Contributed Jokes A

Sa SUSOnod na mag text ka sa akin
TITIyakin mo na walang halong kaBUSTusan
kung hinde DEDEmanda kita, paFUCKulong pa.
Pls lang naKIKInig kaba....

Itong si Jonathan ay talagang manyakis.
Specialty niya ang mga atsay na hobby niyan gapangin.
Isang gabing may kalaliman na, naisipan niyang gapangin
ang bago nilang katulong. Bago pa man pumasok sa kwarto ng maid,
tinanggal na niya ang kanyang underwear para ready na.
Nang pag-bukas niya ng pinto, gising pa pala si Inday.

Q: paano mo mapapagkasya ang ang 11 mangga sa sampung katao

ng walang labis at walang kulang eksakto sa sampu.
A: eh di gawin mong manggo juice.
Q: ako ay ako ikaw ay ikaw sino ang tanga.
A: siya

Men are from ROM, Women are from RAM
Five reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. As soon as you have one, a better model is right around the corner.
3. They look attractive-until you take them home.
4. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
5. In order to get their attention, you have to turn the moon.
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
2. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to
memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
4. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as
informative as, If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then
I'm certainly not going to tell you."
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in a purgatory being
Sized up by God..."Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not
sure whether to send you to Heaven or hell. After all, you enormously
helped society by putting computer in almost every home in the world
and yet you created that ghastly Windows95. I'm going to do something
I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where
you want to go ! "Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference
between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places
briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?"
God said, "I'm going to leave it up to you."Bill said, "Ok, then, let's try
Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a clean, sandy beach with clear
waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing
in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the
temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great !", he told God.
"If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven !" "Fine," said God and off
they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about
playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought
for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell."
he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he
was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall,
screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was burned and tortured by
demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked. Bill responded - his voice
full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected.
I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches
and the beautiful women playing in the water?" God says, "That was the screen saver."

Nagpahula ang mag-ina kay Madam Auring
Madam Auring: Bukas mamamatay ang anak mo sa apoy at bato.
Mag-ina: Naku! Umuwi na tayo at mag-ingat tayo, baka pa tayo maaksidente.
Kinabukasan. Galit na galit ang ina, pinuntahan niya ang manghuhula.
Sabi ng ina: Sabi mo mamamatay ang anak ko sa apoy at bato, bakit nasagasaan?
Madam Auring: Huminahon ka, puntahan natin ang lugar ng aksidente.
Pinuntahan nga nila.
Madam Auring: Sabi ko na nga ba at mamamatay siya sa apoy at bato.
Ina: Ano? Nakikita mo bang nasagasaan siya, tapos sasabihin mong apoy at bato?
Madam Auring: Tingnan mo nga ang gulong na nakasagasa: FIRESTONE!!!

WOMAN: Can you please teach me how to golf?
PRO: Sure, please hold the club the way you hold your> husband's penis.
WOMAN: Okay.>

PRO: Ma'am, please take the club out of your mouth.

Why are cows depressed when being milked? Well, if every morning at dawn
they wake you up, rub your boobs for 2 hours and not fuck you afterwards,
you'll get depressed too.

People you should avoid: Tina Moran, Ping Guerrero, Gina Cole, Jack Cole,
Pining Garcia, Pablo Job, Mike Hunt, Rey Piñoco, Chupaeng Nepomuceno, Chino Pacia

Q:There are 2 white men in jail. They both jumped over the fence.How many Left?
A:2 becuase white men can't jump.

Stewardess to an eager-beaver would be immigrant to USA: How would like
your coffee?Would be immigrant: I would like it in the cup.

Ang ganda LIPS mo. Ang ganda ng EYES mo. Ang gandaa ng NOSE mo...
ayos ka talaga. Buti ka pa pinanganak na GOOD LOOKING!!! Samantalang
ako... SINUNGALING!!!!

Q: What is the difference between a tire and 365 condoms?
A: One's a Good Year and one's a GREAT Year!!!

An Irishman and a Scotsman were taking an intelligence test.
What bird does not build its own nest? asked the examiner.
The canary,said the scot, he lives in a cage.The cuckoo, said the Irishman.
Very good, said the examiner to the Irishman.
How did you know? Asked the examiner? Everybody knows the cuckoo lives
in a clock, said the Irishman.

There was a fish in a stream and there also was fly above the
stream. The fish said if that fly drops 3cm i can get it. their was a bear
on the side of the stream he said if that fly drops 3cm that fish is
going to get that fly and i am going to get the fish. Then their was a
hunter up the stream and he said if that fly drops 3cm that fish is going
to get the fly the bear is going to get the fish and i am going to get
the bear. their was also a mouse behind the hunter. the mouse said if
that fly drops 3cm fish is going to get the fly the bear is going to get
the fish the hunter is going to get the bear and i am going to get the
sandwich in the hunters back pocket. Then their was a cat on the side
of the stream and he said if that fly drops 3cm that fish is going to
get the fly that bear is going to get the fish the hunter is going to get
the bear the mouse is going to get the sandwich and i am going to get
the mouse. So the fly drops 3cm the fish gets the fly the bear ge!
ts the fish the hunter gets the bear the mouse gets the sandwich the
cat falls in the stream. The moral of the story is evry time a fly drops
3cm a pussy gets wet.

Magician: May magic akong gagawin! Peram ako ng kamay mo.
Man: teka, teka, kelan mo sosoli?

Question: what size dress does Vanessa Feltz wear?
Answer: mark F - one size bigger than a mark E (marquee)

Story about the 3 rats: Sa bahay payabangan.
Daga 1: Pupunta ako sa mouse trap kakainin ko ang keso hinde ako makukulong!
Daga 2: Daga sabi kakain ako ng raccumin hinde ako mamatay!
Daga 3: Mga fren sama kayo sakin kakantot ako ng pusa.

I've been rather confused through this whole campaign
and election process, but I think I've finally figured out
a little bit of what is going on. I've put together a Gore
Dictionary to help out people who have been as confused as
I have been.

The Gore Dictionary
Government: the only agency intelligent enough to
know how each individual should spend his money
Capitalism: an evil, corrupt and immoral economic system that,
to the detriment of all, allows private ownership and private
economic decision
Money: medium of exchange that individuals are too stupid
to understand how to use
Logic: the science of the formal principles of reasoning;
irrelevant for all types of arguing or debating
Big government: the state of having many government employees.
Rights: things like voting and McDonald's hamburgers
that a country owes every single person living in it
(except those who are serving that country)

Q: why did the chewing gum cross the road?
A: because it was stuck to the chicken's foot

Q: what do you call a cow eating grass in your yard?
A: lawn moo-er.

knock! knock!
whos there?
atch
atch who?
sorry you have a cold

knock! knock!
whos there?
boo
boo who
dont cry its just me.

Pag Amerikano ang umutot, excuse me ang sinasabi;
Pag British ang umutot, pardon me ang sinasabi;
Pag Español ang umutot, despensa amigo ang sinasabi;
Pero pag Pilipino ang umutot, hindi ako ang umutot kahit mamatay man ako.

Erap sa Sarap TV.
Erap: Masarap ang lulutuin ko ngayon. Apple pie!
Host: Mr. President, umpisahan na natin. Ano-anu po ba ang ingredients?
Erap: Siyempre, may apple. Kelangan din ng harina, gatas, itlog, asukal, at 2 durog na diatabs.
Host: Ha? Para saan po ang diatabs.
Erap: Baka may sumakit ang tyan. Mahirap nang ma-akusahan ng food poisoining. Wais to!

Taong bayan: Kapag NATANGGAL sa trabaho, BABAGSAK ang ECONOMY.
Kapag NATANGGAL si ERAP sa trabaho, UUNLAD ang ECONOMY!

A japanese tourist arrived in Bahrain airport and was picked up by a chaffeur Mersedes Benz
driven by a Bahraini driver on its destination to Sheraton Hotel. While passing Muharraq bridge
a fast speeding car overtook them. The japanese looked on and tapped the shoulder of the
driver and said Japanese: See that! Lexus LS 400, Very good Very fast Made in Japan!!!
( The driver nodded ) Again while passing the roundabout near diplomatic area anothe white
car overtakes and passes by. The japanese saidJapanese: See that!! Toyota Camry..Very Good ..
Very fast..( Then whispered loudly on the drivers ears saying Made in Japan!!! ) The driver felt
upset and began a fast turn towards the main entrance of Sheraton Hotel. Then the stops and the
japanese went down. japanese: Domo Aregato gozaimas..How much is the bill? bahraini: BD 60.000
sir ( More than 160 USD ) japanese : What !!! Very expensive..How it happens??bahraini: Look
the meter..Very Good ..Very Fast.. Made in Japan!!!!